I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
