I think I died a long time ago.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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