my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
