I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
