i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
