My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
