I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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