Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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