I can't breathe out the right side of my face
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
