i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
