ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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