its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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