last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
