haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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