The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
