my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
