Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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