Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
