Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I am available for nakedness
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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