She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
not ubering you a puppy
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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