We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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