M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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