And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
