There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
