i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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