You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
