There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm always down for nudity.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
