Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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