I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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