im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
How many fucks given?
0.12846
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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