I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
