You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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