I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
