Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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