i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
