remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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