Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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