Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Are we still banned from the library?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
