I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
