Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
