i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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