I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
