You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We have started to decorate penises.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
