last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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