I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
