Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
