My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
