my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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