woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
