In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
