People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
