new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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