just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
