i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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